6/30/15

Mr. Diggs-

As your mama, I just want to thank you for being such a fun surprise so far. A JULY birthday!?! You stinker! We never would have guessed.

And tomorrow I get to try out acupuncture and I'm so looking forward to having someone take care of me and my body in that way. What an exciting way to end this pregnancy. Thanks for the surprises, little one. You are already a sweet, empowering gift who is keeping us on our toes.

Love,

Mama

6/29/15

Dear Little D,

Since your brother is at daycare today I took a walk this morning and am now sitting with a mug of coffee and some inspirational books. (This, in perhaps one scene, describes your mama when she's happiest...)

I've got this workbook open right now; I got it at Oprah's conference in the fall and one of the pages says this:

"Close your eyes. Picture someone you love. See their face. What do you wish for them?"

When I filled it out in November I was thinking of your brother. I wrote a bunch of things, including: "bravery, the ability to be himself, a giant yard, a private airplane, as much cheese as he wants, a puppy, acceptance..."

Oprah's trick was that she told you later that YOU actually want whatever you wished for your loved one but would never have been as generous with yourself. True, especially the part about all that cheese. :)

This morning when I reread this page I thought of you even though I don't actually know your face yet. And while I still wish all these things for you, the one thing that kept coming to mind was the ability to embrace and lean into change.

Daddy and I talked this morning about how it looks like self-driving cars will be here and regular within 10-20 years which means that you may never need a license. Lord knows what else will be different for your world... and since I talk to so many humans, I will tell you that lots and lots of humans don't like change. They HATE it! They cry and resist and get bent out of shape and should pay for therapy but don't so they take it out on their spouses or the amount of cookies they eat or the way they angrily drive cars. 

But! The only consistent thing about life is that everything changes. Everything! So if I could grant you the superpower to embrace and lean into change, I really think it's the only thing you need. 

I am a lit major at heart. I love my paper books and the smell of old paper and generally I love learning about history. But I am eternally grateful for having fallen sideways into the tech industry because it has made me so much more curious and accepting of change. Software changes all the time. So do humans. I love the metaphors that come from this and I am grateful for having married Daddy, who has always been fascinated by what COULD be rather than what WAS. 

Change, buddy. It's the feature that I hope you are born with, the ability to adapt and move with the times, regardless of what's presented to you. There is plenty of space to love where you've come from and also where you're going... and I hope you can see and embrace it all.

Love,

Mama

6/28/15

Little D,

Your feet are poking me higher and more to my side than ever before. I believe this means you're ready for 3T clothes. I'll try to prep some for your newborn state... maybe you can share diapers with your older brother. If you're taller than him, you can just take the toddler bed and we'll make him get back in the crib.

Church didn't work today. Tomorrow I'm calling about acupuncture. You little devil, you!

Love,

Mama

6/27/15

Diggs-

Nothing to say other than: let's go. 

Also, if you have plans to live on your parents' couch for your life, we need to have a long talk when you get here.

Also, if you are still in utero tomorrow morning, I am taking you to church. Maybe a higher power can get you moving.

Love,

Mama

6/26/15

Diggy-doo,

Today is a great day to be alive. This morning the Supreme Court ruled that gay people can be married. I love that you will grow up and think "... what was the BIG deal?!" but trust me when I say this was definitely not something obvious in our world. Lots of people get very finnicky about who should be allowed to do what. This is a great day for freedom!

It has also been a great week or so, seeing people take steps towards removing the confederate flag (which comes from the times of SLAVERY! I know.) and okaying healthcare for all Americans. Unless you are waiting to come out until gun control gets passed, however, I'm not sure you're going to enter into a more joyous society! ;)

So, my point is, come on out. There's a lot of love in the air today and you will grow up allowed to genuinely look for love, no matter who it comes from.

Love,

Mama

6/25/15

Diggs,

I truly can't believe we're going to make it to your due date. But here we are, mere hours away from June 26. 

Today was fantastic. We spent the morning out to breakfast with Aunt Kiki (Daddy and Noah too), then hanging out in her backyard and garden. The weather is gorgeous - sunny but not too hot - and we had such a good time watching Noah water the tons of different vegetables out back. It put me in a great mood and even Daddy commented this afternoon that I had more energy than I've had in a while! No nap, even. 

Maybe we'll see you tomorrow? 

Love,

Mama

6/23/15

Hey buddy,

This morning we launched a new version of Mama's work website. Daddy has been coding it for the past couple of weeks and it came out so beautiful. We'll have lots of time to talk about what Mama does and why it matters to our family, but please know and remember that figuring out what you're here to do on the planet is a VERY powerful thing!

In many ways you are being born to a different set of parents than your brother was. I stand up for myself more now, I try not to look for perfection in things, I thank people as much as I can and I am grateful daily for the fortitude to live this life as a mama and a worker. I didn't have that perspective last time and it was all pretty overwhelming to sift through. But at the end of the day, I believe you can't save anyone but yourself. (Ok, maybe your young kiddos too!)

Ultimately though, I contribute to my community by being there when I can and giving what I can, and that includes my clients. But I make sure to reserve enough gas in the tank for my family- you and Noah and Daddy. I love the family that we are building and find it so empowering to guide your brother through life and support Daddy too. 

I hope you get to experience this kind of love one day too, however it shows up!

Love,

Mama

6/22/15

Heya LD,

I was thinking about my great aunt Jean today for some reason. She was born in Pennsylvania and has German ancestors but she married a Greek-American man and by the time I knew her, she seemed to have grown up in Greece. When we would visit her house she'd have made Greek food for us. Her husband passed away when I was a kid, something that really devastated her. She never seemed to have worked herself back from the grief.

I come from German ancestors too but I've had the experience of living in France and learning to speak the French language. Although it's very rare to have the chance to speak it these days, I do consider myself a teeny bit French. For a while I thought I might marry a Frenchman and raise my kids over there. They have an awesome system for nurseries and daycares and I remember thinking that their society was wonderful for kids to grow up in.

I say all of this because you're going to be born into heritage but you will also have the chance to find your own. It might come through something you study or someone you love. You might find yourself drawn to a city or country for no good reason other than your heart feels bigger when you're there. If this happens, let's talk about it! I would love to sit around the kitchen table and hear about what makes your heart feel big. And then I would love to visit that place because I think it will help me understand you better by just seeing what you love or reading something you love. What I'm saying is, don't be afraid to share what you love with your mama. 

I can't wait to get to know you and discover what you love along the course of your life.

Love,

Your Mama

6/21/15

Hey LD,

This afternoon while your brother napped, Daddy ended up laughing at me. I had walked by Oscar and asked how he was doing... "Just checking in on the cats, are you?" Daddy laughed. We both cracked up as I admitted that the plants have never been as watered, my teeth as flossed and that I haven't napped this much since I was a kid. I read a 400 page book between last night and this afternoon. 

This kind of free time is foreign to both of us, Diggs.

"What the heck will we do when we retire?!" I thought for a few minutes but you know, it's less about how to fill free time right now for me and more about how to fill free time with a super-limited body! This has renewed my belief that I want to be in strong shape for the rest of my life after you're born. The physical limitations are just insanely frustrating and while I have rolled with them as best possible during pregnancy (since I know there's an end!) I am not interested in neglecting my body in the least after this.

For a few hours tonight I thought you were on your way but we laid down to bed and you seem to have gone quiet for the night too. We had a wonderful day celebrating Daddy today (very low-key!) and will rest up tonight in case you're on your way tomorrow.

Love,

Your Mama

6/20/15

Hey Little D,

Daddy and I were driving yesterday and commenting on how beautiful June in Berkeley is compare to May. (May is chilly and a bit foggy but June is just.. well, it's perfect!)

It made me excited to think about the birthday parties we will plan for you, how we'll love being outside enjoying the not-too-hot sun. People say this region doesn't have seasons and I was inclined to believe that for our whole first year here but now I see that there *are* seasons, they are just a different vocabulary than the four we normally talk about. 

Daddy and I were at the movies yesterday afternoon and it was filled with a bunch of little kids. "Why aren't these kids in school?!?" I wondered... and then it dawned on me that maybe kids in California are already on summer vacation! In New York we went to school til nearly the end of June... how strange to see it end so early in other places. It was another funny moment to think about how time of year and related activities depend on where the heck you are on the planet!

This weekend we don't have anything officially planned. Tomorrow is Father's Day but since we are waiting for you we will play it by ear and just give Daddy a few presents instead of an outing. That could be a fun surprise if you made your arrival on that day... You are being born to one of the best dads I've ever known and it does seem super sweet to me to imagine giving Daddy his new son as a gift!

Love,

Mama

6/18/15

Hey Little D,

Well I'm all done with work now! Yesterday was my last day and we celebrated last night with pizza and wine (oooh, that rose wine was good after 9 months of nothing!). Kiki and Andrew came over and we had a good time eating and then playing games after your brother went to bed.

So now you've got two parents who are home full time... come out when you're ready!

Love,

Mama

6/16/15

Hi Diggs,

Daddy and I watched a movie called Big Hero 6 tonight and the characters were going to college in the future. The long story short is that they were all making these amazing robots and science projects and it actually got me so excited for the future! I told Daddy that maybe you or Noah will work on robots one day in college and I could catch a glimpse

of how different it will be to remember my childhood as the world keeps evolving. (Of course, your lit major mom also gives you tons of leeway to become a French poet too in college, whatevs).

But really, the world today is so different than when I was a kiddo... and I am only 34 years old! I can only imagine what my Nana thought when she passed away in her 90s. When I recently read a book on the Wright brothers I kept thinking about how AIRPLANES were barely invented when she was born and how commonplace they are in our lives today.

I like thinking about this stuff. Let's talk about the world and how it's changing all along our lives, ok?

Love,

Mama

6/15/15

LD,

This afternoon as we were driving back from our midwife appointment, Daddy and I passed two little boys walking with their babysitter on the sidewalk. 

"I'm so excited to have two boys!" Daddy said and I instantly agreed with him. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Love,

Mama

6/14/15

Diggaloo,

I'm reading a book about overcoming obstacles and it is really inspiring. I keep reapplying what the author says to work obstacles, pregnancy obstacles, personal relationship obstacles... and it's like the gift that keeps on giving! Really, darling, the message of the book is so true. No one is showing up to make your life (or anything) better. It's up to YOU to do it!

Now that said, you're about to be born to two parents who WILL make your life better. (At least while you're a little one!) You will need us for a long while but we will start peeling off as you grow, giving you more independence and freedom. And then we'll watch you grow your own wings and make mistakes (tons, as we all have!) and we'll count on the way we've raised you and our constant support to help you along the way.

We read a lot in our house and the other day I was reading a book to Noah featuring a scary alligator. He had a concerned look on his face. Finally I said "what could these kids do to be very, very brave in the story?!" and we talked about that for a while. I wanted a scary book to exist in conversation with bravery for him so that he knows that, no matter what, he can dig deep and find courage. Even if an alligator is involved.

A few days back I was pretty over bring pregnant and I was throwing a little pity party. Boo hoo, I thought. I am large and can't sit or stand and at any moment I am going to go through one of the most painful experiences of my life (labor). But then I picked up this book again (it's called The Obstacle is the Way) and I realized that complaining or drowning in the frustration is really a huge waste of energy. I still have my moments but it really helped me to move through the weakness. And no matter when you come, it's not something I control anyway so far better to stop spinning my wheels in self-pity.

There's a whole lot of beautiful life on the other side of labor- for you and for me. And I am very grateful for that.

Love and lots of bravery,

Mama

6/13/15

LD-

Well, you've done it. I was really grossed out by the idea that my belly button would pop out during my whole pregnancy with Noah and it didn't (yay mental willpower!). But you seem to have pushed it just level and now I think we're only hours or days from it becoming an outtie. Gah! Curses!

Love,

Mama

6/12/15

Hi Diggs,

Con: you are so low that I can't sit in chairs anymore.

Pro: whenever my water breaks, you will probably be out quickly.

Not a bad deal! But don't tardy, friendo. I miss chairs. And sitting.

Love,

Mama

6/11/15

Hey sweet one,

I didn't write to you last night because we were too busy COUNTING CONTRACTIONS! That's right, we thought you were on your way and even called Aunt Kiki and Uncle Andrew to put them on alert. But once I laid down things settled down and we woke up this morning still parents to one kiddo.

Daddy has been doing lots of fun home improvements lately and it's so fun to watch Noah become Daddy's helper with these projects. You'll be joining a fun team here once you get a little bigger. 

I told Daddy last week that it would be funny it you arrive on the 12th because Daddy's birthday is the 11th, Noah is the 13th and I was born on the 14th. You could complete the pattern, you know! 

Love,

Mama

6/9/15

Hey little guy,

You are keeping us on our toes over here because we've thought I was in labor a couple times over the past two days... but you're still in there! Tonight at our appointment our midwife checked me and said that your head is very low! In fact she poked your head at one point and you jumped in my belly. That cracked me up! I wonder what you thought her finger was, poking your head like that? That's your first human contact other than mama!

This morning Noah and I baked you a birthday cake (funfetti) and we all shared it this afternoon once it was iced. It was a very fun way to celebrate your upcoming birthday... and yummy too. 

We love you, sweet pea, and we are so excited to meet you.

Love,

Mama

6/7/15

Hi Diggy,

Tonight I ended up down a rabbit hole of google searches that traces my ancestors back to the early 19th century. It was so neat! My parents were really into that genealogy stuff when they were first married and I loved coming across the names of old, old family members. (Like Moses!! Or Heinrich!!) It made me want to jump on a ship to Germany and start tracing down birth records in old churches. Maybe one day... and probably Dadzo will be excused from such a trip. He is not interested in this stuff in the least!

But I really care about where I came from and what the stories were of those who came before me. In a way, this interest feels like a gift I will give to my children too, the knowledge and reflection of who we came from and how they mattered. I'll try to keep some notes in your baby book but maybe we can do some sleuthing around when you get older too.

Love,

Mama

P.S. Tonight at dinner Daddy asked me if I have anyone in my family with June birthdays and I said no. After my research tonight I discovered that my grandma (Pop-pop's mom) was born on June 8! So if you decide to arrive tomorrow, we will be thinking of her.

6/6/15

Hey Little D,

Tonight Daddy and I went on a date night to see a movie called Love & Mercy. It was about the Beach Boys, a famous band, and I really loved hearing all the old songs. Did you know I'm a total oldies fan?!

I learned the lyrics to all the oldies by listening to the radio with my dad. One summer when I was in high school, Pop-Pop was going to take the old wallpaper down in my room to repaint and I had to help. We had the radio tuned to oldies the whole time, hearing the same songs over and over so I got to know them really well. I also got to learn how to take wallpaper down, wash the walls, prime them and paint. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time but I had fun.

Now that I'm in the mood for Beach Boys, we'll have to listen to some tomorrow. Maybe you'll become a fan too!

Love,

Mama

6/4/15

Hey buddy,

Tomorrow is Daddy's last day of work before he's out on paternity leave. You are one lucky little boy because you're going to get to spend so much time with your Daddy when you're a newborn. He'll be home for a few months and I am very grateful that his job allows that to happen... I know Noah will love it too!

Today was my last day home alone with Noah for a long time. Since I'm not very mobile these days we spent the day together in the house- reading books, playing with magnets, snacking on toast with honey and talking. Your arrival will mean a lot of big changes for him and even though I know it will be wonderful for our family overall, I'm also anticipating some growing pains for your brother as you come into the picture.

The weather has been sunny and warm these past few days but I've spent most of them inside, resting and napping when I'm not working. There is a point in the pregnancy when it seems like the mama must turn inward and that's starting to feel real now, that I am making less plans (none, actually!) and focusing more on being quiet and calm. I think a lot about labor these days and meeting you, less in a sentimental way and more logistically. I think about how to get through the pain and how to ignore the rest of the world in order to get you here safely. 

Last night I had dinner with a work friend and he was telling me about some really interesting books to read. I told him that I can't read some of that right now, that I'm not in a space to be inspired about how to explode my business strategy or change the world. Those are counterintuitive because of where I'm at mentally; right now I just want to read comfortable books, to reread some that have brought me peace in the past. It's funny how even your booklist changes when you are about to give birth!

In any event, I am ready for you whenever you want to arrive. There's no rush but I'm making lots of space for you, sweet one, and I can't wait to meet you and get to know you. 

Love,

Your Mama

6/2/15

Hi little guy,

This morning your brother and I looked at his baby book and yours. It's awesome to have documented some details along the way when he was a baby... it all runs together in my head now and I was happy to see that we have some hilarious and sweet memories in the book. We'll do the same for you.

My mom kept a great baby book for me too and it has always meant a lot to be able to look back and see what my arrival meant to the two people who raised me. There's a grounding, a simplicity to the fact that one day 34 years ago I was completely unable to do anything for myself. And I made it through because of the love and dedication my parents showed me.

Maybe one day you'll feel the same about your book. 

Love,

Mama