4/31/15

Hey Little D,

Just a short note tonight to say that I am so appreciative of getting to spend two days a week as a mom at home. Of course I would find a way to make it work no matter what, but this balance is feeling so nice these days.

I'm watching the last season of Mad Men right now and am so glad to be a woman raising her kids in this era. I'm grateful for the options and the opportunities.

Love,

Mama

4/28/15

To my darling Diggy,

Well. It was quite the day.

We spent our morning in triage at the hospital where you will be born, leaving your brother with Aunt Kiki. I was having contractions and feeling a lot of pressure and discomfort, so they monitored me for  a while to make sure I wasn't in preterm labor. As we left the house this morning I felt very superstitious, worrying that it might be my last night at home for a while (what if they kept me on bed rest?) or the last few minutes as a family of three. But happily it turns out that you were not meant to come out yet! The tests showed that I am not close to preterm labor, though I will likely keep feeling contractions and sporadic discomfort because of how my uterus works. (They call it irritable uterus! How hilarious!)

You, Diggy, were a master ninja, flipping around and kicking the fetal monitors, revealing your head is down in the ultrasound, moving constantly throughout the past 24 hours, which assured me mentally that you were doing just fine regardless of what else was happening. I'm so very glad you are staying put for now.

Of course Daddy and I have realized what needs to be readied at home PRONTO after this little incident. Nana arrives with your bassinet and your brother's old newborn clothes in a few weeks... It was a funny prospect to imagine you arriving with no clothes and nowhere to sleep! But we can count the days until she gets here for a visit, gear in hand.

I also felt so loved today here in Berkeley. Your aunt jumped right in to watch Noah, I got many supportive texts from friends whose play dates had to get moved because of the shenanigans and one of my best buddies here showed up tonight with a box of teabags and some chocolate. It made us feel secure knowing that we've got community here who will take care of us no matter what.

It is impossible to say anything about a person's personality before they are born... and yet I feel you are gearing up for quite the life, Diggy Diggster. "Hang onto your hats," I feel you saying, "it's going to be an unforgettable life once I arrive!"

Well I believe it!

Love,

Mama

4/27/15

Little D-

Well mister, you nearly got us to the hospital earlier tonight. I've been feeling lots of pressure and discomfort that we thought might be preterm labor, but in the end our midwife told us to stay home and drink water and rest. 

You seem to be unphased, turning cartwheels again and again across my belly.

Take it easy, will you little guy?

Love,

Mama

4/26/15

Heya LD,

Daddy and I went on a tour of the hospital yesterday. We saw where you'll be born, where you'll stay with me for a night or two and even the nursery where the babies can sleep. (Honestly you will probably not be there much at all... they try to keep you kiddos with your mamas as often as they can. Even seeing a couple of newborns in there yesterday screamed of 1950 to me!)

It's a beautiful hospital and it's super helpful, intuitive and relaxed. You can tell we're in Berkeley!

As we were leaving the hospital Daddy talked about how excited he was to have a new little baby in our lives and I admitted that I was a little scared by the reality of the tour! This probably has everything to do with the fact that Daddy doesn't have to be pushing you out any body regions in a couple months, but I am excited too. I have been so focused on the RAISING of you in those weeks after you're born that I have not done much preparation for labor this time around! Not to worry, Daddy and I have a class next week with other second time parents, a "refresher course" they call it. I'm looking forward to reminding each other what the heck is physically going to happen on your birthday!

Love,

Mama

4/24/15

Little D,

One day you may read these posts and look for signs of the times, news or trends that were happening around the time you were born. There are some big conversations starting to happen about transgender folks these days and I just want you to know that Daddy and I talked about your name in the context of your assumed gender, but also discussed what options exist if you come out and at some point feel you're actually female. 

We didn't actively have that conversation about Noah's name before he was born... which tells you how quickly the social psyche is changing in our country these days. 

Love,

Mama

PS We'll always love you no matter what.

4/23/15

Hi little guy,

Today I got the TDAP shot so that you can start developing defenses in utero. (I think it's against whooping cough, but to be honest I just do what my midwife says!) It's weird to think that your little body is handling that right now... it's things like this that start to feel like you're becoming a part of the world and no longer a pure organism. That feels like a weird thing to say, but maybe you know what I mean.

This evening your brother wanted to watch videos of himself when he was a baby so I showed him a bunch. There's one in which Daddy is feeding him through a syringe. Your brother had trouble eating for the first 10 days of his life and it was one of the worst experiences of my adult life, to feel we were not doing enough for our kid despite feeding him every 90 minutes around the clock. I teared up just watching it and happily, when we clicked on another one taken just 2 months later, he was a super fatso! We will aim for chunky thighs for you too, bud!

Tomorrow marks 31 weeks, which means there's only about 9 left to go. It's getting close!

Love,

Mama

4/21/15

Hey Little Diggy,

I'm reading a book right now about two women who graduated college, traveled abroad for a year and then headed west to teach at a one room schoolhouse in Colorado in 1916! I mean, were they ahead of their times or what?!

The year after I graduated college I flew to the middle of France, where I taught English to middle and high school students. This book reminds me so much of the thrill and the anxiety behind that experience... how glad I am that I did it! Especially once you settle into a life routine, what an awesome thing to have lived adventure for a while before settling down. I have all the admiration in the world for these two women I'm reading about, especially since it wasn't seen very well at the time. (They were supposed to be married and having babies big time.)

Sometimes I think about what my post-raising-kids life will look like and it's not too far from my mind to take on a similar adventure once I'm retired. What a thrill to experience another culture, to act as a liaison and cultural representative, to realize how much you love your country by the simple fact that you are far enough away to be homesick for it. 

I'll bring Daddy along too and we can have that adventure together... Then you and your brother can travel to meet us in our little home away from home. Of course we will probably be living on a moon of some planet at this rate, but we'll pack a couple extra oxygen tanks and invite you up for the holidays. :)

Love,

Mama

4/20/15

Little D,

I forgot to tell you- we figured out a middle name while we were away! It was a true brainstorm between Daddy and me and when we landed on it we were both so excited. Hooray! 

So now unless you come out looking distinctly like a Bill, we've got you named! 

Love,

Mama

4/19/15

Dear Little D,

A year ago today we moved to California and now on this date I find myself again in a plane with Daddy, heading to San Francisco. What a funny coincidence!

Boy, there's a lot to say about moving out here. We didn't ever intend to move to California... we wanted to move to Oregon! But Daddy got a job out here and we talked a lot about it and decided we would have a different adventure than we'd planned.

I'm glad we said yes and decided to come.

You learn a lot about yourself when you are thrown into unexpected scenarios. I've learned that the life I live everyday is fundamentally different than what I needed 5 years ago (a lot of this has to do with becoming a parent). I've learned that I needed to build a home, a place I felt happy to come back to, a place that would fulfill my needs for work AND family since I work from home. I've learned how how to cook more, how to relax on the weekend, how to accept and admire the values of the west coast. 

I've learned what it's like to make a big decision about my life and disappoint family members because of it. I've made peace with this. 

And really, I've learned how to embrace being a parent so much that I finally felt prepared to do it a second time. That's where you come in.

Daddy and I had a wonderful trip to San Diego this weekend. We relaxed, we laughed, we read books and we talked about the future. I know your brother missed us for sure, but it's important for moms and dads to go away sometimes alone. Think of it as a senior leadership retreat in a business. Our family will always be stronger for it, no matter how tough the hours are while we're away. We got some new wind in our sails and are heading back to San Francisco ready to welcome you into our lives.

We'll be waiting for you at home whenever you're ready... and I don't use the word "home" lightly. It's taken a year, but I do feel like it's home for now, where the people I love most in the world are growing together.

Love,

Mama

4/16/15

Hey LD,

We're in the air, on the way to San Diego. What a short flight this is! It really makes me curious to take as many other short trips as we can while we live in California. Where else should we explore? Maybe Arizona? Surely Montana and Idaho... and Utah! These states seem so exotic to me, having grown up on the East Coast.

I wonder what you'll think of East Coast states when you're older. Will Maryland seem exotic to you? Connecticut? (Lord forbid) New Jersey?! Those are total snoozefests in my brain, for no other reason than "been there, done that." And yet I understand that families who move east after always living west will be curious to explore them, just as I am about the nearby states out here. Life is just perspective, don't you think?

I'm leading workshops all day tomorrow and can't wait to have that wrapped up so I can go hang out with Daddy. I'm excited about the work but very excited to go hit the town! Just think- San Diego will be one of the few places that you've been to with your parents and without your brother!!

Love,

Mama

4/15/15

Hey Diggy,

I've been cleaning out our closets lately and tonight Daddy went through a big box of electronics to figure out what to keep. He found an old iPhone, on which were a bunch of pictures from 2008 and there were a bunch of me at the party I hosted to watch the election results. I was clearly so excited when Obama won! I was wearing my Obama shirt and converse sneakers and I look like such a kid even though it really wasn't that long ago. It reminded me of what my life used to be like back when I first worked in tech, when I was friends with Daddy and when I lived in Greenpoint, Brooklyn (in an apartment of my own for the first time!). 

What a gift to remember those times tonight, when I am feeling like none of my pants feel comfortable and bending down to pick up laundry is tough. 

Daddy and I are going away this weekend for a little babymoon (I guess you're coming too!). I'm so excited to

hang out with him for two whole days! We'll go to the movies and eat out, maybe check out some bookstores or the hotel pool. He's my best friend and I'm excited to spend a whole weekend with him, alone. 

I hope you marry your best friend one day too, Diggy. It's really the best.

Love,

Mama

4/14/15

Hello little one,

I'm reading a book about a woman who is pregnant with her second kiddo and it's making me laugh. It's a memoir of sorts; her first son is about Noah's age and I recognize our days so much in her writing. 

She writes about all the people who tell you how much work two kids is (compared to one) and I hear her! Lots of people say this. "The transition from one to two is like one to ten!" someone told me the other day, "but then after two it's all the same."

TOO BAD WE'RE STOPPING AT TWO!

This reminds me of everyone who says "they grow up so fast." I secretly want to knock these people in the teeth. While I do agree that your brother is now very much a little boy compared to the baby he was for so long, this isn't unwelcome or unexpected! We spend a lot of time together and it's inspiring to watch him grow. When people tell me how fast it goes, I must bite my tongue and resist telling them that it sounds like they need a new, fun project to focus on.

Because my love, maybe this is because I'm not an old lady yet, but I just really believe all periods of your life can be wonderful. Equally, they can all be disasters. I believe it's your choice to put something challenging in front of yourself and tackle it if you're hungry for it. Raising kids is awesome, but so is running a business and writing a book and finding a new purpose once you're retired. The renewal of projects across a lifetime is inspiring and reassuring to me... there will always be something that needs you if you look hard enough.

And even when you boys are out of the house and exploring the world on your own, Daddy and I will find lots to amuse ourselves. It's just our way. And it doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means that I love life too.

Love,

Mama

4/13/15

Hello little D,

Daddy is home! And I spent my whole day sitting and working with my feet up, which was a good change for me and you. I'm feeling much better, all ready for our midwife check-up tomorrow. 

Today I was invited to a meeting on May 6 and it blew my mind-- May is almost here! And you know what's right after May?!? Your birthday month!! Yikes. I am feeling excited and overwhelmed just thinking about it. It's the strangest thing to know that we only have a handful of weekends left before you join our family.

Daddy and I are heading to San Diego this weekend for a little babymoon. I've got work there on Friday and we are tagging on a weekend away in a hotel. We're going to watch movies and eat in restaurants... both things we won't get to do for a while once you're born! I'm really looking forward to it.

Take it easy on my right hipbone, will ya? It's not there for soccer practice, my active little dude.

Love,

Mama

4/12/15

Hello little one,

It's been a long day and I admit that really overdid it! Some kind of nesting bug crawled in my ear and I spent the whole day cleaning closets and moving boxes. I feel it now! 

But I've been sitting on the couch for a couple hours now, having promised myself that I would take it easy tonight. I'll chill out and keep you safe, buster :)

Love,

Mama

4/11/15

Hi Diggy,

Daddy is visiting family and friends in Wisconsin this weekend so your brother and I are here alone. Last night, for the first time, your brother threw up a few times and I had to change the sheets in the middle of the night.

Puke is gross when it's your own. It is even more gross when it's not your own.

Today, if it's at all possible, I sort of forgot abut your existence. Not really of course, but I was so focused on your brother and holding down the fort that your frequent kicks were more background noise than a point of connection all day. It made me think a lot about how life is easier when you just go with whatever is in front of you... there's a lot less stress and energy spent trying to decide what to focus on! When you're parenting solo to a kid who has a virus, it's one foot in front of the other.

Try to hold off on real puking for a few years. Ack!

Love,

Mama

4/9/15

Hey LD,

Aunt Kiki pointed out tonight at dinner that soon I'll be able to use the carpool lane with you and Noah in the car! SCORE! We are going to get so quickly into San Francisco, it will be like living the dream. (Because, frankly, without the carpool lane, driving in and out of that city is a nightmare.) 

This morning Noah and I went to the de Young museum to take a look at some art. It was an awesome time. A friend joked that Noah is going to grow up highly sophisticated because of trips like these and we had a good laugh. It's probably true that you guys are going to be exposed to more worldly things than I was at that young age, but you know what? The world is smaller these days. We're all on the Internet and lots of people in my generation studied abroad and going to an art museum doesn't seem as exotic as it did when I was a kid. :)

I am clearly just expecting you to study abroad on the moon or go live on Mars (ugh, my greatest fears and Daddy's greatest dreams!). The world sure is a different place from one generation to the next.

Love,

Mama

4/7/15

Hi Little D,

The only thing I want to tell you tonight is that who you spend your time with matters! For your whole life, I hope you optimize your time so that you're around positive, hopeful and inspiring people instead of those who you feel you owe something. (Social rules be damned!) We are the only ones who can allow others into our headspaces... so choose the best people possible and spend the most time with them you can.

This also goes for what you read, what you tweet, anything you spend your time on. It will slowly make you who you are... so always look for the best and be strict about it. I rarely read the news and consume a tiny percent of what's going around social media because it's so dramatic and awful. One of the last things I do at night is to spend time listing out things I'm grateful for and reading inspiring stories on Reddit. You can't have bad dreams after that! (Or, at least, they are few and far between!)

Look out for yourself. I'll always support you in this.

Love,

Mama

4/5/15

LD-

I've had a bad cough for over a week now. Truthfully, we all have. But the past few days have been rough because my abs are so sore from coughing. My abs! The ones that are kinda worn out from carrying you too.

You have also been MUCH more active than usual over the past few days, constantly rolling and kicking and prodding. And now I wonder if you're reacting to the constant shaking that my abs are doing to you... what does it feel like for your cocoon in the world to be shaken like a snowglobe every few minutes without stop?

We had a lovely long Easter lunch with our friends and Kiki today. One of the topics that we talked through many times was this process of becoming an adult, a relentless discovery of More Stuff You Are In Charge Of. It's exhausting, frankly. Whether it's wedding planning or having young children or figuring out your life career, it's all got big stakes and it's all stressful. 

Sometimes, depending on how tired you are, I think it can feel like you're living in a cocoon that's being shaken like a snowglobe every few minutes. There is no rest for the weary, one thing after the next, an endless list of life challenges.

And yet. The glimmer of hope and beauty that I also have come to find in the world is everything little and joyful between the shakes. It's watching for those moments, it's appreciating them. It's taking life into your own hands and just living the heck out of it. 

So maybe instead of feeling shaken, you are surfing? Maybe whenever I cough you respond by disco dancing up a storm. I hope you are, little one. These skills will serve you so well once you're out... to look for the waves in the storm and ride them. Forget the perfect. Ignore what you always thought life would be. Just stay in touch with the waves around you and enjoy them as much as you can.

Love,

Your Mama

4/4/15

Hi little D,

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday! We are hosting brunch for Aunt Kiki and some friends from out of town... and tonight I bought a big Easter egg cake from the grocery store! I can't wait to eat that cake.

Daddy asked me at dinner what my family used to do for Easter while I was growing up. I told him that we usually visited relatives and went to church, did egg hunts, dyed eggs and the like. Much of what we do in our little family mimics what I did growing up... and by next Easter I hope to have a church to go to as well. That's one piece of our community that hasn't come together yet, but I'm hopeful that I'll find a place that feels genuine and supportive of the way I see the world (and how I want to raise my boys too). Daddy is less inclined towards church but maybe he'll tag along every so often. 

You know, one of the most interesting things about becoming a parent is making choices about traditions. There's a sense of pressure behind it because whatever we do, you'll grow up to know as "the way one celebrates Easter" or Christmas or whatever. I hope that you'll remember holidays as times we got together with people we love, celebrated with good food, did some arts and crafts and read books about the holiday we're celebrating. 

And ate cake. I think we can make that a tradition, no matter where we are and who we're with.

Love,

Mama

4/3/15

Hello little Diggy-Dig,

Names! Daddy and I are thinking about your name a lot lately. We've got your first name pretty nailed down but are brainstorming a middle name these days. 

I always loved the idea of connecting you to my side of the family via your middle name. Since you get Daddy's last name, it seems only fair that one of you kiddos get something from my family tree. But this is proving harder than anticipated since your first name isn't matching well with some of the contenders I'd always thought could work.

We are also considering a middle name that uses one of my initials (since your brother got Daddy's middle name wholesale). And I have been watching so many historical documentaries that you're lucky if you escape without Washington or Liberty Bell for a middle name!

Your Nana and Pop-Pop used to be really interested in genealogy and they did lots of research about both sides of my family before I was born. I remember flipping through the family tree and copies of birth certificates along the way, seeing how names connected one branch to the next generation. I guess I've always liked the story that was told on paper, without any interviews or journals we could see how the family gifted their legacy to new babies as they joined the family. It's what I have in mind when I think about your middle name, a way to connect you with your past in the simplest way I can. We'll see what we end up with... I suppose we can always go with "Oprah" in a pinch! 

Love,

Mama

4/2/15

Hey Little D,

When your brother was only a few days old, he lost weight - a decent amount of weight. And it really scared me and Daddy. We consulted with a lactation specialist who really turned the tide for us and it was through that scare and the support group I joined that I made my mom friends in Brooklyn. I really don't know what I would have done without having those women to text at 3am, laugh with, whittle our maternity leaves away with and encourage through the bizarre business of becoming a family of three.

But along the way we also met ANOTHER superstar, a woman who writes songs and teaches music classes for babies and their parents. We hosted one in our tiny Brooklyn apartment and for a couple months our friends met weekly at our place with their babies. Her music got us through that first period and I tear up just hearing some of it even today.

Well she happened to be on tour across the bay today! So Noah and I got ourselves to the library where she did a concert and it made me so excited to

sing the songs for you, too. There's a good one about a bike ride, a galloping horse, and a great one about Sundays and having your mommy and daddy all day long.

You'll be even luckier because you'll have a big brother to do a bunch of the singing too! He is chomping at the bit to meet you these days. 

Love,

Mama

4/1/15

Hey Diggy,

Daddy and I finished watching House of Cards tonight (season 3- the finale is a shocker!) and I immediately started googling to find out when season 4 will be ready. Though they haven't even announced anything yet, we're guessing about a year. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A TOTAL PERSON BY THEN! Isn't that crazy to think about? 

I saw some pictures of a friend on vacation in Hawaii earlier today and it made me think about the first time we might be able to consider such a trip. It feels far away, but then again maybe not. We escaped the frigid NYC winter when your brother was about 5 months old. Maybe we can take a similar trip with you over the holidays. We'd have two little fishies to swim with this time around- you AND Noah!

Love,

Mama