7/2/15

Diggy,

I stayed off my phone for the entire day. I was not in a good place when I woke up. I had 13 text messages from friends and family about where you're at. Every time I leave the house to walk, neighbors pop out their windows to say "haven't you had that baby yet?!" Even the guys painting the house next door are shocked to see me still pregnant.

And frankly, I just didn't want to talk to anyone abut it today. So I helped your Aunt Kiki with wedding planning all morning (which made me feel very helpful and productive). Then I had acupuncture and then Kiki and Uncle Andrew stayed for dinner in case you came out this evening. 

So here's the deal. Tomorrow we start tests at the hospital to make sure you're alright. And tomorrow is the day we pull out all the stops, every natural way to get you heading into our arms. But like Daddy and I told you this afternoon, you can only choose your birthday to a point. And then we need to choose it for you.

So let's hope this is your last night in utero. We gotta get a move on, kiddo. 

Love,

Mama

6/30/15

Mr. Diggs-

As your mama, I just want to thank you for being such a fun surprise so far. A JULY birthday!?! You stinker! We never would have guessed.

And tomorrow I get to try out acupuncture and I'm so looking forward to having someone take care of me and my body in that way. What an exciting way to end this pregnancy. Thanks for the surprises, little one. You are already a sweet, empowering gift who is keeping us on our toes.

Love,

Mama

6/29/15

Dear Little D,

Since your brother is at daycare today I took a walk this morning and am now sitting with a mug of coffee and some inspirational books. (This, in perhaps one scene, describes your mama when she's happiest...)

I've got this workbook open right now; I got it at Oprah's conference in the fall and one of the pages says this:

"Close your eyes. Picture someone you love. See their face. What do you wish for them?"

When I filled it out in November I was thinking of your brother. I wrote a bunch of things, including: "bravery, the ability to be himself, a giant yard, a private airplane, as much cheese as he wants, a puppy, acceptance..."

Oprah's trick was that she told you later that YOU actually want whatever you wished for your loved one but would never have been as generous with yourself. True, especially the part about all that cheese. :)

This morning when I reread this page I thought of you even though I don't actually know your face yet. And while I still wish all these things for you, the one thing that kept coming to mind was the ability to embrace and lean into change.

Daddy and I talked this morning about how it looks like self-driving cars will be here and regular within 10-20 years which means that you may never need a license. Lord knows what else will be different for your world... and since I talk to so many humans, I will tell you that lots and lots of humans don't like change. They HATE it! They cry and resist and get bent out of shape and should pay for therapy but don't so they take it out on their spouses or the amount of cookies they eat or the way they angrily drive cars. 

But! The only consistent thing about life is that everything changes. Everything! So if I could grant you the superpower to embrace and lean into change, I really think it's the only thing you need. 

I am a lit major at heart. I love my paper books and the smell of old paper and generally I love learning about history. But I am eternally grateful for having fallen sideways into the tech industry because it has made me so much more curious and accepting of change. Software changes all the time. So do humans. I love the metaphors that come from this and I am grateful for having married Daddy, who has always been fascinated by what COULD be rather than what WAS. 

Change, buddy. It's the feature that I hope you are born with, the ability to adapt and move with the times, regardless of what's presented to you. There is plenty of space to love where you've come from and also where you're going... and I hope you can see and embrace it all.

Love,

Mama

6/28/15

Little D,

Your feet are poking me higher and more to my side than ever before. I believe this means you're ready for 3T clothes. I'll try to prep some for your newborn state... maybe you can share diapers with your older brother. If you're taller than him, you can just take the toddler bed and we'll make him get back in the crib.

Church didn't work today. Tomorrow I'm calling about acupuncture. You little devil, you!

Love,

Mama

6/27/15

Diggs-

Nothing to say other than: let's go. 

Also, if you have plans to live on your parents' couch for your life, we need to have a long talk when you get here.

Also, if you are still in utero tomorrow morning, I am taking you to church. Maybe a higher power can get you moving.

Love,

Mama

6/26/15

Diggy-doo,

Today is a great day to be alive. This morning the Supreme Court ruled that gay people can be married. I love that you will grow up and think "... what was the BIG deal?!" but trust me when I say this was definitely not something obvious in our world. Lots of people get very finnicky about who should be allowed to do what. This is a great day for freedom!

It has also been a great week or so, seeing people take steps towards removing the confederate flag (which comes from the times of SLAVERY! I know.) and okaying healthcare for all Americans. Unless you are waiting to come out until gun control gets passed, however, I'm not sure you're going to enter into a more joyous society! ;)

So, my point is, come on out. There's a lot of love in the air today and you will grow up allowed to genuinely look for love, no matter who it comes from.

Love,

Mama

6/25/15

Diggs,

I truly can't believe we're going to make it to your due date. But here we are, mere hours away from June 26. 

Today was fantastic. We spent the morning out to breakfast with Aunt Kiki (Daddy and Noah too), then hanging out in her backyard and garden. The weather is gorgeous - sunny but not too hot - and we had such a good time watching Noah water the tons of different vegetables out back. It put me in a great mood and even Daddy commented this afternoon that I had more energy than I've had in a while! No nap, even. 

Maybe we'll see you tomorrow? 

Love,

Mama

6/23/15

Hey buddy,

This morning we launched a new version of Mama's work website. Daddy has been coding it for the past couple of weeks and it came out so beautiful. We'll have lots of time to talk about what Mama does and why it matters to our family, but please know and remember that figuring out what you're here to do on the planet is a VERY powerful thing!

In many ways you are being born to a different set of parents than your brother was. I stand up for myself more now, I try not to look for perfection in things, I thank people as much as I can and I am grateful daily for the fortitude to live this life as a mama and a worker. I didn't have that perspective last time and it was all pretty overwhelming to sift through. But at the end of the day, I believe you can't save anyone but yourself. (Ok, maybe your young kiddos too!)

Ultimately though, I contribute to my community by being there when I can and giving what I can, and that includes my clients. But I make sure to reserve enough gas in the tank for my family- you and Noah and Daddy. I love the family that we are building and find it so empowering to guide your brother through life and support Daddy too. 

I hope you get to experience this kind of love one day too, however it shows up!

Love,

Mama

6/22/15

Heya LD,

I was thinking about my great aunt Jean today for some reason. She was born in Pennsylvania and has German ancestors but she married a Greek-American man and by the time I knew her, she seemed to have grown up in Greece. When we would visit her house she'd have made Greek food for us. Her husband passed away when I was a kid, something that really devastated her. She never seemed to have worked herself back from the grief.

I come from German ancestors too but I've had the experience of living in France and learning to speak the French language. Although it's very rare to have the chance to speak it these days, I do consider myself a teeny bit French. For a while I thought I might marry a Frenchman and raise my kids over there. They have an awesome system for nurseries and daycares and I remember thinking that their society was wonderful for kids to grow up in.

I say all of this because you're going to be born into heritage but you will also have the chance to find your own. It might come through something you study or someone you love. You might find yourself drawn to a city or country for no good reason other than your heart feels bigger when you're there. If this happens, let's talk about it! I would love to sit around the kitchen table and hear about what makes your heart feel big. And then I would love to visit that place because I think it will help me understand you better by just seeing what you love or reading something you love. What I'm saying is, don't be afraid to share what you love with your mama. 

I can't wait to get to know you and discover what you love along the course of your life.

Love,

Your Mama

6/21/15

Hey LD,

This afternoon while your brother napped, Daddy ended up laughing at me. I had walked by Oscar and asked how he was doing... "Just checking in on the cats, are you?" Daddy laughed. We both cracked up as I admitted that the plants have never been as watered, my teeth as flossed and that I haven't napped this much since I was a kid. I read a 400 page book between last night and this afternoon. 

This kind of free time is foreign to both of us, Diggs.

"What the heck will we do when we retire?!" I thought for a few minutes but you know, it's less about how to fill free time right now for me and more about how to fill free time with a super-limited body! This has renewed my belief that I want to be in strong shape for the rest of my life after you're born. The physical limitations are just insanely frustrating and while I have rolled with them as best possible during pregnancy (since I know there's an end!) I am not interested in neglecting my body in the least after this.

For a few hours tonight I thought you were on your way but we laid down to bed and you seem to have gone quiet for the night too. We had a wonderful day celebrating Daddy today (very low-key!) and will rest up tonight in case you're on your way tomorrow.

Love,

Your Mama

6/20/15

Hey Little D,

Daddy and I were driving yesterday and commenting on how beautiful June in Berkeley is compare to May. (May is chilly and a bit foggy but June is just.. well, it's perfect!)

It made me excited to think about the birthday parties we will plan for you, how we'll love being outside enjoying the not-too-hot sun. People say this region doesn't have seasons and I was inclined to believe that for our whole first year here but now I see that there *are* seasons, they are just a different vocabulary than the four we normally talk about. 

Daddy and I were at the movies yesterday afternoon and it was filled with a bunch of little kids. "Why aren't these kids in school?!?" I wondered... and then it dawned on me that maybe kids in California are already on summer vacation! In New York we went to school til nearly the end of June... how strange to see it end so early in other places. It was another funny moment to think about how time of year and related activities depend on where the heck you are on the planet!

This weekend we don't have anything officially planned. Tomorrow is Father's Day but since we are waiting for you we will play it by ear and just give Daddy a few presents instead of an outing. That could be a fun surprise if you made your arrival on that day... You are being born to one of the best dads I've ever known and it does seem super sweet to me to imagine giving Daddy his new son as a gift!

Love,

Mama

6/18/15

Hey Little D,

Well I'm all done with work now! Yesterday was my last day and we celebrated last night with pizza and wine (oooh, that rose wine was good after 9 months of nothing!). Kiki and Andrew came over and we had a good time eating and then playing games after your brother went to bed.

So now you've got two parents who are home full time... come out when you're ready!

Love,

Mama

6/16/15

Hi Diggs,

Daddy and I watched a movie called Big Hero 6 tonight and the characters were going to college in the future. The long story short is that they were all making these amazing robots and science projects and it actually got me so excited for the future! I told Daddy that maybe you or Noah will work on robots one day in college and I could catch a glimpse

of how different it will be to remember my childhood as the world keeps evolving. (Of course, your lit major mom also gives you tons of leeway to become a French poet too in college, whatevs).

But really, the world today is so different than when I was a kiddo... and I am only 34 years old! I can only imagine what my Nana thought when she passed away in her 90s. When I recently read a book on the Wright brothers I kept thinking about how AIRPLANES were barely invented when she was born and how commonplace they are in our lives today.

I like thinking about this stuff. Let's talk about the world and how it's changing all along our lives, ok?

Love,

Mama

6/15/15

LD,

This afternoon as we were driving back from our midwife appointment, Daddy and I passed two little boys walking with their babysitter on the sidewalk. 

"I'm so excited to have two boys!" Daddy said and I instantly agreed with him. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Love,

Mama

6/14/15

Diggaloo,

I'm reading a book about overcoming obstacles and it is really inspiring. I keep reapplying what the author says to work obstacles, pregnancy obstacles, personal relationship obstacles... and it's like the gift that keeps on giving! Really, darling, the message of the book is so true. No one is showing up to make your life (or anything) better. It's up to YOU to do it!

Now that said, you're about to be born to two parents who WILL make your life better. (At least while you're a little one!) You will need us for a long while but we will start peeling off as you grow, giving you more independence and freedom. And then we'll watch you grow your own wings and make mistakes (tons, as we all have!) and we'll count on the way we've raised you and our constant support to help you along the way.

We read a lot in our house and the other day I was reading a book to Noah featuring a scary alligator. He had a concerned look on his face. Finally I said "what could these kids do to be very, very brave in the story?!" and we talked about that for a while. I wanted a scary book to exist in conversation with bravery for him so that he knows that, no matter what, he can dig deep and find courage. Even if an alligator is involved.

A few days back I was pretty over bring pregnant and I was throwing a little pity party. Boo hoo, I thought. I am large and can't sit or stand and at any moment I am going to go through one of the most painful experiences of my life (labor). But then I picked up this book again (it's called The Obstacle is the Way) and I realized that complaining or drowning in the frustration is really a huge waste of energy. I still have my moments but it really helped me to move through the weakness. And no matter when you come, it's not something I control anyway so far better to stop spinning my wheels in self-pity.

There's a whole lot of beautiful life on the other side of labor- for you and for me. And I am very grateful for that.

Love and lots of bravery,

Mama

6/13/15

LD-

Well, you've done it. I was really grossed out by the idea that my belly button would pop out during my whole pregnancy with Noah and it didn't (yay mental willpower!). But you seem to have pushed it just level and now I think we're only hours or days from it becoming an outtie. Gah! Curses!

Love,

Mama

6/12/15

Hi Diggs,

Con: you are so low that I can't sit in chairs anymore.

Pro: whenever my water breaks, you will probably be out quickly.

Not a bad deal! But don't tardy, friendo. I miss chairs. And sitting.

Love,

Mama

6/11/15

Hey sweet one,

I didn't write to you last night because we were too busy COUNTING CONTRACTIONS! That's right, we thought you were on your way and even called Aunt Kiki and Uncle Andrew to put them on alert. But once I laid down things settled down and we woke up this morning still parents to one kiddo.

Daddy has been doing lots of fun home improvements lately and it's so fun to watch Noah become Daddy's helper with these projects. You'll be joining a fun team here once you get a little bigger. 

I told Daddy last week that it would be funny it you arrive on the 12th because Daddy's birthday is the 11th, Noah is the 13th and I was born on the 14th. You could complete the pattern, you know! 

Love,

Mama

6/9/15

Hey little guy,

You are keeping us on our toes over here because we've thought I was in labor a couple times over the past two days... but you're still in there! Tonight at our appointment our midwife checked me and said that your head is very low! In fact she poked your head at one point and you jumped in my belly. That cracked me up! I wonder what you thought her finger was, poking your head like that? That's your first human contact other than mama!

This morning Noah and I baked you a birthday cake (funfetti) and we all shared it this afternoon once it was iced. It was a very fun way to celebrate your upcoming birthday... and yummy too. 

We love you, sweet pea, and we are so excited to meet you.

Love,

Mama

6/7/15

Hi Diggy,

Tonight I ended up down a rabbit hole of google searches that traces my ancestors back to the early 19th century. It was so neat! My parents were really into that genealogy stuff when they were first married and I loved coming across the names of old, old family members. (Like Moses!! Or Heinrich!!) It made me want to jump on a ship to Germany and start tracing down birth records in old churches. Maybe one day... and probably Dadzo will be excused from such a trip. He is not interested in this stuff in the least!

But I really care about where I came from and what the stories were of those who came before me. In a way, this interest feels like a gift I will give to my children too, the knowledge and reflection of who we came from and how they mattered. I'll try to keep some notes in your baby book but maybe we can do some sleuthing around when you get older too.

Love,

Mama

P.S. Tonight at dinner Daddy asked me if I have anyone in my family with June birthdays and I said no. After my research tonight I discovered that my grandma (Pop-pop's mom) was born on June 8! So if you decide to arrive tomorrow, we will be thinking of her.

6/6/15

Hey Little D,

Tonight Daddy and I went on a date night to see a movie called Love & Mercy. It was about the Beach Boys, a famous band, and I really loved hearing all the old songs. Did you know I'm a total oldies fan?!

I learned the lyrics to all the oldies by listening to the radio with my dad. One summer when I was in high school, Pop-Pop was going to take the old wallpaper down in my room to repaint and I had to help. We had the radio tuned to oldies the whole time, hearing the same songs over and over so I got to know them really well. I also got to learn how to take wallpaper down, wash the walls, prime them and paint. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time but I had fun.

Now that I'm in the mood for Beach Boys, we'll have to listen to some tomorrow. Maybe you'll become a fan too!

Love,

Mama

6/4/15

Hey buddy,

Tomorrow is Daddy's last day of work before he's out on paternity leave. You are one lucky little boy because you're going to get to spend so much time with your Daddy when you're a newborn. He'll be home for a few months and I am very grateful that his job allows that to happen... I know Noah will love it too!

Today was my last day home alone with Noah for a long time. Since I'm not very mobile these days we spent the day together in the house- reading books, playing with magnets, snacking on toast with honey and talking. Your arrival will mean a lot of big changes for him and even though I know it will be wonderful for our family overall, I'm also anticipating some growing pains for your brother as you come into the picture.

The weather has been sunny and warm these past few days but I've spent most of them inside, resting and napping when I'm not working. There is a point in the pregnancy when it seems like the mama must turn inward and that's starting to feel real now, that I am making less plans (none, actually!) and focusing more on being quiet and calm. I think a lot about labor these days and meeting you, less in a sentimental way and more logistically. I think about how to get through the pain and how to ignore the rest of the world in order to get you here safely. 

Last night I had dinner with a work friend and he was telling me about some really interesting books to read. I told him that I can't read some of that right now, that I'm not in a space to be inspired about how to explode my business strategy or change the world. Those are counterintuitive because of where I'm at mentally; right now I just want to read comfortable books, to reread some that have brought me peace in the past. It's funny how even your booklist changes when you are about to give birth!

In any event, I am ready for you whenever you want to arrive. There's no rush but I'm making lots of space for you, sweet one, and I can't wait to meet you and get to know you. 

Love,

Your Mama

6/2/15

Hi little guy,

This morning your brother and I looked at his baby book and yours. It's awesome to have documented some details along the way when he was a baby... it all runs together in my head now and I was happy to see that we have some hilarious and sweet memories in the book. We'll do the same for you.

My mom kept a great baby book for me too and it has always meant a lot to be able to look back and see what my arrival meant to the two people who raised me. There's a grounding, a simplicity to the fact that one day 34 years ago I was completely unable to do anything for myself. And I made it through because of the love and dedication my parents showed me.

Maybe one day you'll feel the same about your book. 

Love,

Mama

5/31/15

LD,

So it looks like you will be a June baby after all! I had my doubts for a while, I must admit.

Now let's not wait to be a July baby, mmmkay?

Love,

Mama

5/30/15

Littlest D,

This morning Daddy took Noah to the Hall of Science and I watched the first episode of a documentary about the Roosevelts. WHAT A FAMILY! I was so inspired by the stories of Teddy and Franklin growing up, the images of NYC back in the late 19th century and even some of the quotes Teddy became famous for. (He apparently also ended up famous for loving to start wars, which is really not my thing, but I do love some things about his spirit!)

It was just the inspiration I needed for parenting and life. History gives you the distance from daily, banal challenges and reminds you that one day you'll be gone and the only thing left will be your legacy. Let me tell you that mothers have important roles in their children's legacies, according to history! This reminded me that mothering is not just about something fun we do together but what long-lasting values and potential I can help inspire in you. Daddy and I take that job really seriously and we love helping to shape your world, ambitions and environment to help you thrive.

I am such a history fan and I tell you this now because of you ever find yourself at a loss for what to get me for a birthday or holiday, go for something awesome and historical. I will love it!

Love,

Your Mama

5/28/15

Hi little dude,

Well today was a great day! I tried to dream up an activity that would be fun for your brother and wouldn't require too much moving on my part... and we ended up riding the city bus all around Berkeley! We rode it from one end to the other, ending in Rockridge where we left the bus to find ourselves face to face with an Oakland fire engine!!! The firemen let us look inside the truck and they even gave your brother a hat. He was so excited. Then we went for breakfast and ate pumpkin waffles before buying you some socks at a kids' consignment store. It was just the perfect morning and we had an equally great bus ride back home.

There are times when being a parent is so challenging but there are also times when it is so liberating. I kept imagining how it will be to bring two boys on the bus, how simple and fun it will be to spend my days off with the two of you once you're a little older. I'm excited to see the joy and wonder of buses and fire engines in your face too, little one.

Love,

Mama

5/26/15

Hello little guy,

This will be a short note because it was truly a heck of a day. I have run the gamut today, feeling like a terrible sister, mother, writer all the way over to feeling like an amazing sister, mother, writer. I have landed somewhere in-between.

And this, buddy, is what I want to say to you: the in-between is where life happens. I am in bed at 8:30 after taking a bubble bath, resting in the knowledge that I tried my best. And when you grow up and inevitably have days like this, it's what you must reach for too. 

Let's get some sleep. 

Love,

Mama

5/25/15

Hey buddy,

I've got two friends who have recently had their second babies and the news from the newborn front sounds good. Everyone is surviving these first few weeks. No toddler siblings have packed up their stuff and headed off to college early. The dads and moms are getting okay sleep, all things considering. 

It really helps to hear this. The first time around I had no one going through newbornness at the same time... but at this point I am texting these other moms daily about the ups and downs. I'm so glad to be going through it with them. And I'm very hopeful that you'll be like their boys, eating and sleeping as-needed!

Love,

Mama

5/22/15

Hi Diggs,

Your brother has had a high fever for the past 24 hours and I've been keeping a close eye on how he's responding to medicine. Sometimes being a parent is like being a jack-of-all-trades. Chef? Doctor? Teacher? Nutritionist? CHECK!

Anyway, it's been interesting to focus on the kid who is not punching me in the kidney every four seconds. You faded into the background today my friend, despite all of your attempts to bring my attention to my belly. Get used to it, pal... you will be sharing the spotlight soon enough!

I'm 35 weeks today. 5 weeks to go!

Love,

Mama

5/20/15

Hello Little Dude,

The coolest part about knowing that your head is down is being able to track and figure out what part of you is poking me. Tonight while Daddy and I watched a movie I felt your feet moving around high in my belly, then your back and butt poking up along my right side. I doubt you have enough room to stretch out into a handstand but you are upside-down. Isn't that funny?

A friend just gave birth to her second kid (this time a boy) and I am happy for her yet daunted at the same time. You're next! Holy smokes!

Love,

Mama

5/19/15

Hey Little D,

You were just doing the wave across my belly. But probably not with your hand, it seemed more like a butt. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, YOU CRAZY GOOF???

We got your brother a tricycle today, which means that the scooter is all yours when you're ready for it. Judging by the athletic skills you're demonstrating in utero, I expect that will be sometime in your first month of life. 

Have I mentioned that you feel like you've dropped? I can't cross my legs anymore and you feel low. This is both great and terrifying. I have so much work to do before you bust outta there! Let me get a couple of audit documents written and then I'm all yours. Eek!

Love,

Mama

5/18/15

Hey Diggy,

Today your brother told me he wants you both to wear baseball shirts. So I'll get right on that shopping order!

Love,

Mama

5/17/15

Hello Little D!

Tonight Daddy and I talked about the Jazz festival on 4th street (Daddy walked Noah over for a few minutes this afternoon). We had a great talk about how excited we are to be raising you guys the way we are, exposing you to so many different places and people. We also brainstormed what we want to do with you both as you grow older. It was a fun talk!

Diggy, your brother made us parents. But somehow it feels like you are forming us into an official family. I have turned a point in this pregnancy where I'm just so thrilled and excited to be FOUR... any labor pain or contractions or whatever pales in comparison with who I believe we can be together.

Love,

Mama

5/15/15

Hey Little D,

It's been a very tiring past few days! I've worked in the city two days this week, including long and annoying commutes. But you got to hear performance reviews of some manager at a start-up and I hope you were taking diplomatic notes.

Nana arrived this afternoon too and we are happy to see her! She brought your little bassinet and some clothes for you and your brother. It's good to have someone around who is such a help with your brother. It will be a fun weekend with Aunt Kiki and Nana together!

Love,

Mama

5/11/15

Hey Digs,

I took a a bath tonight and was going to read in it but ended up just watching you flip around instead. I practiced some breathing and started to imagine labor. I feel oddly better about going through it now that I've done a little visualizing.

This morning during a coaching call one of my clients talked about visualizing what he wanted his life and business to be like and then taking steps daily to get there. It was really inspiring to hear. I went to see Oprah last fall and she led us in a visualizing exercise too; I saw me standing at a kitchen sink watching my kids play in the yard, where there was a porch swing and a great flower garden. I hope that can be our home one day, but, more than the details, I hope that I have a strong sense of nature in our daily lives. I want some bird feeders and bird houses around, not to mention a couple of big trees to stretch out and provide shade and reading spots in the summer. Doesn't that sound nice?

Love,

Mama

5/10/15

Hey LD,

Today was Mother's Day and I don't want to dive into a whole speech about being a mother but I will say that I am very grateful for the experience and love my kids very much. I know a decent amount of people who hope to become parents and struggle with that process... I have been thinking of them all day and sending hope and good vibes into the universe for them. It is a big deal to take charge of someone's upbringing and I am grateful that we were able to enter this phase of life relatively easily.

I spent the day with Daddy and Noah, eating bagels and resting as much as I could. We took a funny trip to the local mall to do family portraits at JC Penneys (a surprise from Daddy!) and now we will have cheeseball photos to document this moment in our lives. I find it helps to have a sense of humor about things... there's nothing like a Dary family glamour shot session to round out the sentimentality of something like Mother's Day. :)

Love,

Your Mama

5/9/15

Hey Little D,

I'm reading a book about the Wright brothers, who invented the first airplane that really worked. It is blowing my mind! They worked SO hard and were such good men. And it really charms me that they were brothers, working together everyday on this goal.

Odds are very slim that you and Noah want to attack something on that large a scale one day, but if you decide to do it I will be totally behind you! The Wright brothers never married or had kids (which is secretly why I think they were successful... they had zero distractions and financial obligations!). If you and Noah decide not to give me grandkids, I will roll with it and find some kiddos nearby that want to come hear storytime from Granny Jenny. Please write the scripts of your lives based on what truly compels you on this planet. I will be happy to see you doing what you are meant to do, no matter what it is!

Love,

Mama

5/7/15

Hey little man,

Today I hosted an old friend from Paris and her French boyfriend for lunch while Noah napped. They were visiting the west and driving up California; it was so wonderful to see an old friend and reminisce about old days spent wandering the streets of Europe. (Ok, also the bars. And nightclubs. Your mom had a great time back in the day.)

How awesome it was to have French roll off my tongue with them, a language that became something so dear to me but has since become a rarely-used skill in my life. Such is the path for foreign languages... but I'm alright with it for now. There will be plenty of reunions in France to come, plenty of family vacations and adventures for us abroad too. I can't wait to expose you to it all!

Love,

Mama

5/6/15

Hey Diggy,

Every night before bed I try to do two things. The first is writing you a little note. The second is writing 5 things I'm grateful for in my gratitude journal. Some nights I'm too exhausted but I get there most nights and these two actions really round out the day.

Though I'm a perfect candidate to keep a journal, I don't. I wrote a daily blog for your brother when he was in my belly and a good friend surprised me by getting the blog published as a book that is now on the bookshelves in our living room. Do you know I haven't ever gone back to reread it? Maybe I will once you're born... but certainly I am grateful to have these two periods of our lives so finely documented. One day I will love that I did this, love rereading snapshots of our world. But as you'll find with life, there are periods of reflection and sentiment and then there are periods of just plain old living. We are living right now, which explains why I haven't reread any of Noah's old blog. I simply don't have the time or headspace to do it justice.

Over the weekend we learned that Sheryl Sandberg's husband died. Sandberg wrote a book called Lean In which was one of the most inspirational things I read that led me to start my own business. My heart was broken for her all weekend; she wrote so much about how having Dave as her husband allowed her to have the amazing career that she does. I saw so much of myself in what she described and, I suppose, saw my relationship with Daddy too. The other night I lay awake from 4 to 6am worrying about Daddy dying. It's the worst thing I can imagine.

So this is the snapshot of our lives right now. Some moments I am sad enough for Sandberg that it haunts me in the early hours and other moments I am picking raisins off the floor and other moments I am helping a CEO role play firing someone. All of these moments are important... all of them are true. 

And yet if it weren't for this little blog and nightly tradition, there wouldn't be any record of what your Mama thought about, worried about and celebrated in 2015, the year you were born.

So this blog is one of my five grateful things tonight. And for the fifth night in a row, Daddy is on that list too.

Love,

Mama

5/5/15

Hey Digs,

I just want you to know that I can't wait until I have myself back to myself. For the next 7 weeks or so I will keep you housed and healthy but boy do I feel compromised from my independence! Daddy is such a support but it's hard to just sit around and ask for help. (I am working on this skill.)

We have zero plans for more kids after you and I'll tell you that I'm nearly sure it will stay that way. I can't wait to give birth to tons of other things in our lives- ideas, trips, family traditions, one day a house of our own. So I'll try to enjoy what I can about being pregnant with you since this is the last hurrah!

Love,

Mama

PS Easy on the heartburn, will ya?

5/4/15

Hello little D,

I finished making you a bib this weekend. When your brother was in my belly I made him an Ernie bib and now you've got one with Bert on it! You guys are going to look pretty darn cute. Your brother already wanted to use yours but I made him resist... we want to keep some things fresh for you, bud.

Love,

Mama

5/2/15

Hello little dude,

A friend came over with her two kids this morning. One is Noah's age and the other is a baby who is barely 6 months old. I held her while her Mama helped the other kiddos with a few things and kept thinking about how soon you will be here, how excited I am to hold a 6 month old YOU sometime soon!

Love,

Mama

4/31/15

Hey Little D,

Just a short note tonight to say that I am so appreciative of getting to spend two days a week as a mom at home. Of course I would find a way to make it work no matter what, but this balance is feeling so nice these days.

I'm watching the last season of Mad Men right now and am so glad to be a woman raising her kids in this era. I'm grateful for the options and the opportunities.

Love,

Mama

4/28/15

To my darling Diggy,

Well. It was quite the day.

We spent our morning in triage at the hospital where you will be born, leaving your brother with Aunt Kiki. I was having contractions and feeling a lot of pressure and discomfort, so they monitored me for  a while to make sure I wasn't in preterm labor. As we left the house this morning I felt very superstitious, worrying that it might be my last night at home for a while (what if they kept me on bed rest?) or the last few minutes as a family of three. But happily it turns out that you were not meant to come out yet! The tests showed that I am not close to preterm labor, though I will likely keep feeling contractions and sporadic discomfort because of how my uterus works. (They call it irritable uterus! How hilarious!)

You, Diggy, were a master ninja, flipping around and kicking the fetal monitors, revealing your head is down in the ultrasound, moving constantly throughout the past 24 hours, which assured me mentally that you were doing just fine regardless of what else was happening. I'm so very glad you are staying put for now.

Of course Daddy and I have realized what needs to be readied at home PRONTO after this little incident. Nana arrives with your bassinet and your brother's old newborn clothes in a few weeks... It was a funny prospect to imagine you arriving with no clothes and nowhere to sleep! But we can count the days until she gets here for a visit, gear in hand.

I also felt so loved today here in Berkeley. Your aunt jumped right in to watch Noah, I got many supportive texts from friends whose play dates had to get moved because of the shenanigans and one of my best buddies here showed up tonight with a box of teabags and some chocolate. It made us feel secure knowing that we've got community here who will take care of us no matter what.

It is impossible to say anything about a person's personality before they are born... and yet I feel you are gearing up for quite the life, Diggy Diggster. "Hang onto your hats," I feel you saying, "it's going to be an unforgettable life once I arrive!"

Well I believe it!

Love,

Mama

4/27/15

Little D-

Well mister, you nearly got us to the hospital earlier tonight. I've been feeling lots of pressure and discomfort that we thought might be preterm labor, but in the end our midwife told us to stay home and drink water and rest. 

You seem to be unphased, turning cartwheels again and again across my belly.

Take it easy, will you little guy?

Love,

Mama

4/26/15

Heya LD,

Daddy and I went on a tour of the hospital yesterday. We saw where you'll be born, where you'll stay with me for a night or two and even the nursery where the babies can sleep. (Honestly you will probably not be there much at all... they try to keep you kiddos with your mamas as often as they can. Even seeing a couple of newborns in there yesterday screamed of 1950 to me!)

It's a beautiful hospital and it's super helpful, intuitive and relaxed. You can tell we're in Berkeley!

As we were leaving the hospital Daddy talked about how excited he was to have a new little baby in our lives and I admitted that I was a little scared by the reality of the tour! This probably has everything to do with the fact that Daddy doesn't have to be pushing you out any body regions in a couple months, but I am excited too. I have been so focused on the RAISING of you in those weeks after you're born that I have not done much preparation for labor this time around! Not to worry, Daddy and I have a class next week with other second time parents, a "refresher course" they call it. I'm looking forward to reminding each other what the heck is physically going to happen on your birthday!

Love,

Mama

4/24/15

Little D,

One day you may read these posts and look for signs of the times, news or trends that were happening around the time you were born. There are some big conversations starting to happen about transgender folks these days and I just want you to know that Daddy and I talked about your name in the context of your assumed gender, but also discussed what options exist if you come out and at some point feel you're actually female. 

We didn't actively have that conversation about Noah's name before he was born... which tells you how quickly the social psyche is changing in our country these days. 

Love,

Mama

PS We'll always love you no matter what.

4/23/15

Hi little guy,

Today I got the TDAP shot so that you can start developing defenses in utero. (I think it's against whooping cough, but to be honest I just do what my midwife says!) It's weird to think that your little body is handling that right now... it's things like this that start to feel like you're becoming a part of the world and no longer a pure organism. That feels like a weird thing to say, but maybe you know what I mean.

This evening your brother wanted to watch videos of himself when he was a baby so I showed him a bunch. There's one in which Daddy is feeding him through a syringe. Your brother had trouble eating for the first 10 days of his life and it was one of the worst experiences of my adult life, to feel we were not doing enough for our kid despite feeding him every 90 minutes around the clock. I teared up just watching it and happily, when we clicked on another one taken just 2 months later, he was a super fatso! We will aim for chunky thighs for you too, bud!

Tomorrow marks 31 weeks, which means there's only about 9 left to go. It's getting close!

Love,

Mama

4/21/15

Hey Little Diggy,

I'm reading a book right now about two women who graduated college, traveled abroad for a year and then headed west to teach at a one room schoolhouse in Colorado in 1916! I mean, were they ahead of their times or what?!

The year after I graduated college I flew to the middle of France, where I taught English to middle and high school students. This book reminds me so much of the thrill and the anxiety behind that experience... how glad I am that I did it! Especially once you settle into a life routine, what an awesome thing to have lived adventure for a while before settling down. I have all the admiration in the world for these two women I'm reading about, especially since it wasn't seen very well at the time. (They were supposed to be married and having babies big time.)

Sometimes I think about what my post-raising-kids life will look like and it's not too far from my mind to take on a similar adventure once I'm retired. What a thrill to experience another culture, to act as a liaison and cultural representative, to realize how much you love your country by the simple fact that you are far enough away to be homesick for it. 

I'll bring Daddy along too and we can have that adventure together... Then you and your brother can travel to meet us in our little home away from home. Of course we will probably be living on a moon of some planet at this rate, but we'll pack a couple extra oxygen tanks and invite you up for the holidays. :)

Love,

Mama

4/20/15

Little D,

I forgot to tell you- we figured out a middle name while we were away! It was a true brainstorm between Daddy and me and when we landed on it we were both so excited. Hooray! 

So now unless you come out looking distinctly like a Bill, we've got you named! 

Love,

Mama

4/19/15

Dear Little D,

A year ago today we moved to California and now on this date I find myself again in a plane with Daddy, heading to San Francisco. What a funny coincidence!

Boy, there's a lot to say about moving out here. We didn't ever intend to move to California... we wanted to move to Oregon! But Daddy got a job out here and we talked a lot about it and decided we would have a different adventure than we'd planned.

I'm glad we said yes and decided to come.

You learn a lot about yourself when you are thrown into unexpected scenarios. I've learned that the life I live everyday is fundamentally different than what I needed 5 years ago (a lot of this has to do with becoming a parent). I've learned that I needed to build a home, a place I felt happy to come back to, a place that would fulfill my needs for work AND family since I work from home. I've learned how how to cook more, how to relax on the weekend, how to accept and admire the values of the west coast. 

I've learned what it's like to make a big decision about my life and disappoint family members because of it. I've made peace with this. 

And really, I've learned how to embrace being a parent so much that I finally felt prepared to do it a second time. That's where you come in.

Daddy and I had a wonderful trip to San Diego this weekend. We relaxed, we laughed, we read books and we talked about the future. I know your brother missed us for sure, but it's important for moms and dads to go away sometimes alone. Think of it as a senior leadership retreat in a business. Our family will always be stronger for it, no matter how tough the hours are while we're away. We got some new wind in our sails and are heading back to San Francisco ready to welcome you into our lives.

We'll be waiting for you at home whenever you're ready... and I don't use the word "home" lightly. It's taken a year, but I do feel like it's home for now, where the people I love most in the world are growing together.

Love,

Mama

4/16/15

Hey LD,

We're in the air, on the way to San Diego. What a short flight this is! It really makes me curious to take as many other short trips as we can while we live in California. Where else should we explore? Maybe Arizona? Surely Montana and Idaho... and Utah! These states seem so exotic to me, having grown up on the East Coast.

I wonder what you'll think of East Coast states when you're older. Will Maryland seem exotic to you? Connecticut? (Lord forbid) New Jersey?! Those are total snoozefests in my brain, for no other reason than "been there, done that." And yet I understand that families who move east after always living west will be curious to explore them, just as I am about the nearby states out here. Life is just perspective, don't you think?

I'm leading workshops all day tomorrow and can't wait to have that wrapped up so I can go hang out with Daddy. I'm excited about the work but very excited to go hit the town! Just think- San Diego will be one of the few places that you've been to with your parents and without your brother!!

Love,

Mama

4/15/15

Hey Diggy,

I've been cleaning out our closets lately and tonight Daddy went through a big box of electronics to figure out what to keep. He found an old iPhone, on which were a bunch of pictures from 2008 and there were a bunch of me at the party I hosted to watch the election results. I was clearly so excited when Obama won! I was wearing my Obama shirt and converse sneakers and I look like such a kid even though it really wasn't that long ago. It reminded me of what my life used to be like back when I first worked in tech, when I was friends with Daddy and when I lived in Greenpoint, Brooklyn (in an apartment of my own for the first time!). 

What a gift to remember those times tonight, when I am feeling like none of my pants feel comfortable and bending down to pick up laundry is tough. 

Daddy and I are going away this weekend for a little babymoon (I guess you're coming too!). I'm so excited to

hang out with him for two whole days! We'll go to the movies and eat out, maybe check out some bookstores or the hotel pool. He's my best friend and I'm excited to spend a whole weekend with him, alone. 

I hope you marry your best friend one day too, Diggy. It's really the best.

Love,

Mama

4/14/15

Hello little one,

I'm reading a book about a woman who is pregnant with her second kiddo and it's making me laugh. It's a memoir of sorts; her first son is about Noah's age and I recognize our days so much in her writing. 

She writes about all the people who tell you how much work two kids is (compared to one) and I hear her! Lots of people say this. "The transition from one to two is like one to ten!" someone told me the other day, "but then after two it's all the same."

TOO BAD WE'RE STOPPING AT TWO!

This reminds me of everyone who says "they grow up so fast." I secretly want to knock these people in the teeth. While I do agree that your brother is now very much a little boy compared to the baby he was for so long, this isn't unwelcome or unexpected! We spend a lot of time together and it's inspiring to watch him grow. When people tell me how fast it goes, I must bite my tongue and resist telling them that it sounds like they need a new, fun project to focus on.

Because my love, maybe this is because I'm not an old lady yet, but I just really believe all periods of your life can be wonderful. Equally, they can all be disasters. I believe it's your choice to put something challenging in front of yourself and tackle it if you're hungry for it. Raising kids is awesome, but so is running a business and writing a book and finding a new purpose once you're retired. The renewal of projects across a lifetime is inspiring and reassuring to me... there will always be something that needs you if you look hard enough.

And even when you boys are out of the house and exploring the world on your own, Daddy and I will find lots to amuse ourselves. It's just our way. And it doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means that I love life too.

Love,

Mama

4/13/15

Hello little D,

Daddy is home! And I spent my whole day sitting and working with my feet up, which was a good change for me and you. I'm feeling much better, all ready for our midwife check-up tomorrow. 

Today I was invited to a meeting on May 6 and it blew my mind-- May is almost here! And you know what's right after May?!? Your birthday month!! Yikes. I am feeling excited and overwhelmed just thinking about it. It's the strangest thing to know that we only have a handful of weekends left before you join our family.

Daddy and I are heading to San Diego this weekend for a little babymoon. I've got work there on Friday and we are tagging on a weekend away in a hotel. We're going to watch movies and eat in restaurants... both things we won't get to do for a while once you're born! I'm really looking forward to it.

Take it easy on my right hipbone, will ya? It's not there for soccer practice, my active little dude.

Love,

Mama

4/12/15

Hello little one,

It's been a long day and I admit that really overdid it! Some kind of nesting bug crawled in my ear and I spent the whole day cleaning closets and moving boxes. I feel it now! 

But I've been sitting on the couch for a couple hours now, having promised myself that I would take it easy tonight. I'll chill out and keep you safe, buster :)

Love,

Mama

4/11/15

Hi Diggy,

Daddy is visiting family and friends in Wisconsin this weekend so your brother and I are here alone. Last night, for the first time, your brother threw up a few times and I had to change the sheets in the middle of the night.

Puke is gross when it's your own. It is even more gross when it's not your own.

Today, if it's at all possible, I sort of forgot abut your existence. Not really of course, but I was so focused on your brother and holding down the fort that your frequent kicks were more background noise than a point of connection all day. It made me think a lot about how life is easier when you just go with whatever is in front of you... there's a lot less stress and energy spent trying to decide what to focus on! When you're parenting solo to a kid who has a virus, it's one foot in front of the other.

Try to hold off on real puking for a few years. Ack!

Love,

Mama

4/9/15

Hey LD,

Aunt Kiki pointed out tonight at dinner that soon I'll be able to use the carpool lane with you and Noah in the car! SCORE! We are going to get so quickly into San Francisco, it will be like living the dream. (Because, frankly, without the carpool lane, driving in and out of that city is a nightmare.) 

This morning Noah and I went to the de Young museum to take a look at some art. It was an awesome time. A friend joked that Noah is going to grow up highly sophisticated because of trips like these and we had a good laugh. It's probably true that you guys are going to be exposed to more worldly things than I was at that young age, but you know what? The world is smaller these days. We're all on the Internet and lots of people in my generation studied abroad and going to an art museum doesn't seem as exotic as it did when I was a kid. :)

I am clearly just expecting you to study abroad on the moon or go live on Mars (ugh, my greatest fears and Daddy's greatest dreams!). The world sure is a different place from one generation to the next.

Love,

Mama

4/7/15

Hi Little D,

The only thing I want to tell you tonight is that who you spend your time with matters! For your whole life, I hope you optimize your time so that you're around positive, hopeful and inspiring people instead of those who you feel you owe something. (Social rules be damned!) We are the only ones who can allow others into our headspaces... so choose the best people possible and spend the most time with them you can.

This also goes for what you read, what you tweet, anything you spend your time on. It will slowly make you who you are... so always look for the best and be strict about it. I rarely read the news and consume a tiny percent of what's going around social media because it's so dramatic and awful. One of the last things I do at night is to spend time listing out things I'm grateful for and reading inspiring stories on Reddit. You can't have bad dreams after that! (Or, at least, they are few and far between!)

Look out for yourself. I'll always support you in this.

Love,

Mama

4/5/15

LD-

I've had a bad cough for over a week now. Truthfully, we all have. But the past few days have been rough because my abs are so sore from coughing. My abs! The ones that are kinda worn out from carrying you too.

You have also been MUCH more active than usual over the past few days, constantly rolling and kicking and prodding. And now I wonder if you're reacting to the constant shaking that my abs are doing to you... what does it feel like for your cocoon in the world to be shaken like a snowglobe every few minutes without stop?

We had a lovely long Easter lunch with our friends and Kiki today. One of the topics that we talked through many times was this process of becoming an adult, a relentless discovery of More Stuff You Are In Charge Of. It's exhausting, frankly. Whether it's wedding planning or having young children or figuring out your life career, it's all got big stakes and it's all stressful. 

Sometimes, depending on how tired you are, I think it can feel like you're living in a cocoon that's being shaken like a snowglobe every few minutes. There is no rest for the weary, one thing after the next, an endless list of life challenges.

And yet. The glimmer of hope and beauty that I also have come to find in the world is everything little and joyful between the shakes. It's watching for those moments, it's appreciating them. It's taking life into your own hands and just living the heck out of it. 

So maybe instead of feeling shaken, you are surfing? Maybe whenever I cough you respond by disco dancing up a storm. I hope you are, little one. These skills will serve you so well once you're out... to look for the waves in the storm and ride them. Forget the perfect. Ignore what you always thought life would be. Just stay in touch with the waves around you and enjoy them as much as you can.

Love,

Your Mama

4/4/15

Hi little D,

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday! We are hosting brunch for Aunt Kiki and some friends from out of town... and tonight I bought a big Easter egg cake from the grocery store! I can't wait to eat that cake.

Daddy asked me at dinner what my family used to do for Easter while I was growing up. I told him that we usually visited relatives and went to church, did egg hunts, dyed eggs and the like. Much of what we do in our little family mimics what I did growing up... and by next Easter I hope to have a church to go to as well. That's one piece of our community that hasn't come together yet, but I'm hopeful that I'll find a place that feels genuine and supportive of the way I see the world (and how I want to raise my boys too). Daddy is less inclined towards church but maybe he'll tag along every so often. 

You know, one of the most interesting things about becoming a parent is making choices about traditions. There's a sense of pressure behind it because whatever we do, you'll grow up to know as "the way one celebrates Easter" or Christmas or whatever. I hope that you'll remember holidays as times we got together with people we love, celebrated with good food, did some arts and crafts and read books about the holiday we're celebrating. 

And ate cake. I think we can make that a tradition, no matter where we are and who we're with.

Love,

Mama

4/3/15

Hello little Diggy-Dig,

Names! Daddy and I are thinking about your name a lot lately. We've got your first name pretty nailed down but are brainstorming a middle name these days. 

I always loved the idea of connecting you to my side of the family via your middle name. Since you get Daddy's last name, it seems only fair that one of you kiddos get something from my family tree. But this is proving harder than anticipated since your first name isn't matching well with some of the contenders I'd always thought could work.

We are also considering a middle name that uses one of my initials (since your brother got Daddy's middle name wholesale). And I have been watching so many historical documentaries that you're lucky if you escape without Washington or Liberty Bell for a middle name!

Your Nana and Pop-Pop used to be really interested in genealogy and they did lots of research about both sides of my family before I was born. I remember flipping through the family tree and copies of birth certificates along the way, seeing how names connected one branch to the next generation. I guess I've always liked the story that was told on paper, without any interviews or journals we could see how the family gifted their legacy to new babies as they joined the family. It's what I have in mind when I think about your middle name, a way to connect you with your past in the simplest way I can. We'll see what we end up with... I suppose we can always go with "Oprah" in a pinch! 

Love,

Mama

4/2/15

Hey Little D,

When your brother was only a few days old, he lost weight - a decent amount of weight. And it really scared me and Daddy. We consulted with a lactation specialist who really turned the tide for us and it was through that scare and the support group I joined that I made my mom friends in Brooklyn. I really don't know what I would have done without having those women to text at 3am, laugh with, whittle our maternity leaves away with and encourage through the bizarre business of becoming a family of three.

But along the way we also met ANOTHER superstar, a woman who writes songs and teaches music classes for babies and their parents. We hosted one in our tiny Brooklyn apartment and for a couple months our friends met weekly at our place with their babies. Her music got us through that first period and I tear up just hearing some of it even today.

Well she happened to be on tour across the bay today! So Noah and I got ourselves to the library where she did a concert and it made me so excited to

sing the songs for you, too. There's a good one about a bike ride, a galloping horse, and a great one about Sundays and having your mommy and daddy all day long.

You'll be even luckier because you'll have a big brother to do a bunch of the singing too! He is chomping at the bit to meet you these days. 

Love,

Mama

4/1/15

Hey Diggy,

Daddy and I finished watching House of Cards tonight (season 3- the finale is a shocker!) and I immediately started googling to find out when season 4 will be ready. Though they haven't even announced anything yet, we're guessing about a year. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A TOTAL PERSON BY THEN! Isn't that crazy to think about? 

I saw some pictures of a friend on vacation in Hawaii earlier today and it made me think about the first time we might be able to consider such a trip. It feels far away, but then again maybe not. We escaped the frigid NYC winter when your brother was about 5 months old. Maybe we can take a similar trip with you over the holidays. We'd have two little fishies to swim with this time around- you AND Noah!

Love,

Mama

3/31/15

Hi little guy,

We had a gross morning doing the glucose tolerance test. I know you were hungry (I was too!!) and that jug of glucose was a pretty nasty replacement for breakfast. But hopefully we'll hear good news tomorrow, that I don't have diabetes during this pregnancy!

Tonight Oscar jumped onto my lap and you spent a good 15 minutes kicking him. I'm not sure what he thought was happening... but he kept right on purring and seemed to like having a bigger belly to rest his head on. He was my original baby... he's got such a sweet heart and he has always rolled with our family's punches, no matter what's going on. I know he'll do the same when you get here.

Love,

Mama

3/29/15

Hey Little D,

I'm not sure what you have control over in there, but if you can take care of the heartburn, headache and general malaise that would be great. See what you can do. And in the meantime, go low-key with the kicking and punching. Your mama is feeling it!

Love,

Mama

PS Don't forget how awesome your Daddy is for taking care of your Mama while you're in the belly. He's the reason we're all hanging in there!

3/27/15

Hey Diggy,

Tonight Aunt Kiki and Uncle Andrew came over for dinner and Kiki brought her baby listening gear. Everyone listened to your heartbeat and watched as you moved around and kicked my belly. We had a fun time hanging out, especially since we got to hear from you too! It's pretty fun having a sister who specializes in pregnant ladies and birthing babies... it's kinda like having a backstage pass.

Love,

Mama

3/26/15

Hey Little one,

Today we waded in the water at a beach near our house. I helped your brother jump and splash and you were moving up a storm in my belly. Maybe you wanted me to know how excited you are about the beach too?

What a strange situation to be at a beach in late March! But I'll take it... Even if we move somewhere with seasons again, we'll have made awesome use of our time here in California. I promise you can get a beach day too once you're out in the world. 

Love,

Mama

3/25/15

Hey Little Diggy,

Things to look forward to in life:

- playing soccer and getting a medal (like your brother today)

- loving a writer and going to see her read (like your Mama tonight - Anne Lamott!)

- tasty takeout for dinner (like your Dadzo ordered tonight)

Plus a million other fun life events like ice cream and traveling and falling in love.

Love,

Mama

3/24/15

Hey LD,

The other night we asked your brother what his favorite name was. First, he said "Noah Andrew Dary," to which we replied that someone in our family already has that name. Then he told us "Diggy."

Hilariously, this has sort of stuck... and I think it's even funnier since I call you Little D here. Perhaps Little Diggy is worth using every once in a while on this blog. Daddy and I have already started called you Diggy in person and it cracks us up!

Love,

Mama

3/23/15

Hey  LD,

Daddy and I have been watching an excellent show called House of Cards. The new season is highly political and we are loving it. Neither of us are experts in politics, nor do we know minute details about the policies of today's senate floor or what congress is stalled over. Frankly, they all seem to be the same stories... politicians who cover for themselves, time and time again.

I am so very hopeful that Hillary Clinton will run for president next year. I don't yet know her stance or policies. But the way I vote these days has more to do with the symbol of what I want our country to be rather than the words coming out of any politician's mouth.

Just as I felt in 2008, I feel it is time for a broadening in our political horizon. I was so inspired by Barack Obama, who campaigned with messages of hope and vision rather than fear. I feel the same about what a female president stands for- hope, change, a vision for the future. I want to live in a country where more than white men participate at the highest levels of government. I want that to be true about the world you are coming into. Daddy and I work very hard and we pay a lot of taxes. We are good citizens. We plan for what we can (the funds your grandparents will have access to will be long gone by the time we retire and so we are learning to think differently). The entire world is changing and I feel it's imperative that our leadership change too.

Many (most?) people vote out of fear. They let candidates terrify them through their rhetoric, their grandstanding and their manipulation to win at all costs. I will not vote out of fear. I will vote based on hope and vision. It's the way I can continue to bring kids into the world, the way I accept that our future will inevitably be different than those who came before us, that it truly won't be worse, just different.

Love,

Mama

3/22/15

Hi my little one,

Today was very reminiscent of our first trimester together... I was exhausted! I held it together for the morning but took a good nap and then read for most of the afternoon. Are you eating your wheaties in there or something? Growth spurt? I felt it!

Tonight in the bath I was telling your brother about Aunt Kiki's upcoming wedding and then we started to talk about the fact that, likely, within a few years you'll have COUSINS! Noah loved this idea and I have to say, it made me so excited too! I absolutely can't wait to be an aunt and to watch my brother or sister go through the experience of becoming a parent. I feel pretty alone in this phase of life, as both Daddy and I are the only kids in our families with kids. How fun will it be when there are other little ones to watch grow, to visit and enjoy and read stories with? And I know that you and your brother will get some great cousin friends out of the deal... Maybe girls AND boys!

Your Nana and Pop-Pop will love it so much, I can tell you that for sure.

Night night, sweet one. I'll get some extra rest for both of us.

Love,

Mama

3/21/15

LD-

Your brother felt you kick! I'm not sure he fully registered what was going on but it happened! I like to think you were high-fiving him...

Love,

Mama

3/20/15

Hey LD,

This afternoon I was driving down from a walk at Tilden park and I was hit by a feeling of being really happy. Maybe it was the beautiful day or the flowers or the anticipation of my work this afternoon, I'm not sure. But I was excited to be a mom and a wife and generally just to be alive.

I thought you'd appreciate the good vibes; I'm sure you felt them too.

Love,

Mama

3/19/15

Hey Little D,

I got you an outfit tonight! I have been shopping about three times in the past year so this is a very rare occurrence... but tonight I saw some newborn clothes and I realized I really wanted to get you a onesie for you, not that you'll inherit from your brother. (Most of your clothes will be from him!)

It was crazy to hold such a tiny outfit again. Your bro is not a big guy at all, but he's going to have 20+ pounds on you and that seems ginormous!

Love,

Mama

3/18/15

Hey Little D,

Every night before bed I write down 5 things I'm grateful for in a small gratitude journal. It's a small practice that started when I saw Oprah at a special weekend event in November (IT WAS SO AWESOME) and I've kept it up most every day since. Some days I write big things like signing a new client or a trip to a museum but other times I write about small things or moments. It's started to change the way I interact with the world, to be honest. When a woman gave me her parking space last month, I immediately thought "this is one of my five!" and even when I broke my phone the other day I thought "it could have been worse!"

I am grateful every day for your movements, even if I don't write it down every day. You're my constant companion, my tag-along buddy. I love the gentle reminder of your existence when you kick me all day long. Keep it up, sweet one.

Love,

Mama

3/17/15

Hello little D,

We heard your strong heartbeat this morning at the midwife's office; so far, so good. I must admit that I am feeling Really Pregnant at this point, which is sort of freaking me out because we've got FIFTEEN weeks to go. (It's equally freaking me out that we only have FIFTEEN weekends left as a family of three. Everything is freaking me out today.)

This is why I'm in bed at 8:25 tonight, about to rub lotion on my belly and read books until I fall asleep. I have been mostly operating on Normal Person Schedule and Energy this trimester and it's time to take it down a notch or thirty. I know it will be better for you and for me if I start to focus on the small things here at home and less on the world around us. The world will still be there after you're born and I'm healed; for the next while though, it's time to use most of my energy inward.

I say this to you because this is how life is. Sometimes you can care for others (emotionally, financially, physically, etc.) but other times you have to retreat and let everyone handle themselves. Unless society really does a 180, you will never have the experience of growing a person inside you. No matter, this lesson will still hold true for you, sweet boy. Is it a day for others or a day for yourself? Ask yourself this from time to time. It's an important life skill, to learn to prioritize yourself when you most need it. 

The amazing thing is, the whole world ambles on just fine without you. 

Love,

Mama

3/16/15

Hi little guy,

I'm typing this to you on a busted phone screen (boo!). I visited your uncle Steve this weekend and his habit of shattering screens was contagious... So please ignore misspellings in this note!

While at Uncle Steve and Aunt Sara's apartment, you were kicking a bunch and they wanted to feel you so I told them where to press. You kicked them both right away! They loved it and I was glad they got to feel you from the belly home.

Now we're back in Berkeley and I'm so happy to be home. I was also happy to be away, but each time I come back here it feels more and more comfortable. I was happy to see Daddy and Noah... and to refind our sweet life here. It's good to be back.

Love,

Mama

3/11/15

Hi LD,

It was a long day but a good one, too. I hope you get to work with people one day who value your work. It's how I feel most days.

Love,

Mama

3/10/15

Hey LD,

We've spent much of today on airplanes (that's where we are now), having some quality me-you time. Daddy and Noah are back in Berkeley while we take a business trip to DC. Earlier today, my seatmates were talking to me about having kids. A man who just retired was sitting next to me; he told me about the thoughts he had before bringing his sons into the world, fear of nuclear bombs and a world that doesn't always seem to be on the up and up. 

It was a nice little chat. But you know what I kept thinking? THANK GOODNESS we are having babies! Thank goodness you are arriving in the world, just as we need more helpers! It certainly makes me want to be the best parent I can so that, when your generation takes over, you do it with optimism and hope, new ideas and good energy. I fear that many people today cower at the prospect that the world can change. 

But I really believe that the world can change. Because I can change. And so I keep trying to do just that.

Love,

Mama  

3/9/15

Hey Little D,

This afternoon I had coffee with a friend from school. We grew up in the same town and he was out here visiting friends so we got together. It's crazy to think that I've known him for over 20 years, more than half our lifetimes. I can't tell you how different my life turned out that what I expected back in Elementary school.

To be really honest, the life I get to live every day blows me away. I feel so fortunate for Daddy, your brother, you, my business, my family and friends... the list goes on and on. It's like I'm living a full color version of the life I hoped was possible. I love my life.

Life won't be what you expect it to be, sweet one. It never promises to be. But if you are very brave (and a little lucky), I know it can be so much better than you imagine. You can choose the life you want and I will just adore watching you find your way, no matter how it looks. 

My day job is hard to explain, but the long story short is that I often help people figure out what they want or need and then how they can go for it. Every single workday, I get to be part of people's lives and I get to watch them make giant (and sometimes tiny) changes. What matters is that your keep changing, that you love yourself exactly as you are, but that you fight for yourself in new ways all the time. I am moved to tears just thinking about some of the brave things I've seen people do (fire someone, quit a job, write a book, leave a spouse, have a baby, etc.). Humans are super-tough. 

And you will be too.

Love,

Mama

3/7/15

Hey buddy,

Just a quick note tonight to say that Daddy and I got excited to meet you earlier while telling a Noah about when he was born. (He knows this story well but asks for it often!) Youre going to be so welcomed.

Love,

Mama

3/6/15

Hello little one,

You are 24 weeks today and according to my app you're the size of a large zucchini. I can believe this, not so much because I feel huge but because you are VERY ACTIVE. Maybe we should start calling you the dancing zucchini or something... every week you surprise me by amping up the movement even more. 

I went to see Oprah last fall. She's a big inspiration of mine... and one of the activities she led was an exercise in assessing different areas of your life. Long story short, I rated "home" pretty low. I wasn't feeling so great about our space, felt disconnected from the town we live in and generally felt like "home" was something that couldn't exist for me in California. Oprah said that doing one thing each day towards an area of your life that needs improvement would completely change your opinion of it within a year. I decided to light a candle once a day, a small gesture that I hoped would make our space feel more like a home.

Well! It has totally worked! We started doing candle baths with Noah, recently started lighting a candle or two at dinner and sometimes I choose to light the candle of the day while I'm cooking. But that's not all! We've spent more time outside, started weekly trips to the market and we've attended our first sports game in the U Cal campus. I really do feel a sense of "home" here in our house now! This was also helped by a huge purge I did around the new year where I got rid of clutter and a ton of stuff. Our space feels cleaner, clearer and more intentional.

Then tonight, for the third or fourth Friday in a row, I baked a half batch of cookies while Daddy put Noah to bed and we ate some while we watched tv. Homemade cookies have made as much of a "home" vibe as the candles did and I guess I'm telling you all of this because I do feel like you're going to feel at home here. I feel like a good mom for taking steps to make us all feel more comfortable in our space and Oprah was right, a bit of effort goes a very long way.

There you are kicking again. I love you, little guy! Can't wait til you call this house home too.

Love,

Mama

3/4/15

Hey little guy,

I'm hanging out at one of my best buddy's houses here in Berkeley, eating salad on her couch while she tends to her little baby. Just hearing that baby cry is making me think about you and all the crying you'll do too. 

REALITY CHECK!

Love,

Your Mama-roo

3/3/15

Hey LD,

We are a big reading family. Daddy loves his Kindle but Noah and I are still paper book fans and we visit the library every other week. During our visit today the librarian gave us a little March challenge, which includes a bingo sort of paper and little challenges to fill out the boxes (read at night, sing a song together, learn a new rhyme, etc.). It brought back memories of when I was a kid. My parents took us to the library all the time and I so loved doing the summer reading challenges. You'd keep track of the number of books you read and your name would move along the trail on the wall as you read more. I still wish it was ok for adults to do, though I probably wouldn't make it very far these days... unless you count kid books :)

All that to say that reading is SO important. It's an escape, an education, a privilege and a passion. Some of our most cozy memories to come will be over books, of that I am positive. 

Love,

Mama

3/2/15

Hey Little D,

Today, inspired by some stuff that came up during coach training this weekend, I walked your brother to daycare. I used to do this when we first moved here and it has slowly become a pure driving situation. It's easier, frankly, to use the car. 

But it's not as beautiful.

This morning we left with an hour before my first call. Noah walked 3 blocks and then I pushed him in the stroller for the rest of the mile-long walk. We saw a garbage truck and a skateboarder, flowers and dogs, red lights and buses. We had a nice long talk about the things we were seeing and then by the time we arrived at school we were in a slow and relaxed mood. 

Then I headed back home, a solid 20 minute walk of quiet and contemplation. Oh how my day of work started better because of it! I remembered all of the beauty in Berkeley, the flowers and charming houses. It really is such a special place to be and I'm so glad I had the chance to slow down and appreciate it.

One thing I'm committed to once you come is sticking you in a carrier and taking walks with you. I love being outside, especially the quiet and the sun. I can't wait to share it with you.

Love,

Mama

2/28/15

Hi Little D,

We're going to do lots of things together as a family, of course. But I'm also curious about and excited to spend time in different groupings too. For example, I'm very excited to take you out on a special ice cream date one day, just you and me. I'm excited to travel to Japan with Daddy when you boys are a little older and can be left for a week or two. I'm excited to take Noah out for bagels when you get here so you and Daddy can hang out together and I can reconnect with your bro.

We'll be a family of four but we'll be many versions of that too. And I'm looking forward to all of the possible dynamics in our family, the challenges and the joy.

Love,

Mama

2/27/15

Hey LD,

I spent the day at coach training. You tagged along too (ha!). I feel really lucky to have these experiences while you're with me because I can't help but feel you're picking up on the lessons and emotional growth from the womb. 

There's so much more to say but I'm exhausted after a day of hard work. One of the biggest lessons to learn is how to take care of yourself, buddy, and right now I need some solid sleep :)

Love,

Mama

2/25/15

Hey Little D-

I ate two salads today for you (and for me). 

Then tonight I ate cinnamon bun ice cream for me (and a little for you too). 

You're welcome.

Love,

Mama

2/24/15

Hey little guy,

One of the coolest things about life is the contrast between life events you're not ready for and those that sail right by you. We didn't know it yet, but today was your brother's last time in a crib! I took him shopping this morning and bought him a toddler bed but I never dreamed Daddy would have the energy to put it together tonight. And yet he did! So now Noah is sleeping (VERY HAPPILY) in his new big boy bed and our first baby is officially out of his crib.

Had I known it was going to be the last crib nap I might have been a little anxious or sentimental... but I'm glad it happened the way it did. He was ready and we were ready and the bed was built and now that milestone is passed.

And, my little friend, there is an empty crib just across his room, waiting for you. This makes it feel more real than ever.

Also, I started filling out your baby book today and THAT made it feel real too. 

Love,

Your Mama